Unfaithful
by Butterfly1989
Summary: New summary: Lily is forced into a marrage she doesn't want, leaving her first love behind. Can she find happiness in the arranged marriage or is she forced to risk everything to be with the man she really loves? AU
1. Preface

**Okay, so I know I should update my other story, but I have sort of a writerblock and the idea for this story just popped into my head. I had to write it down immediately. Please tell me what you think about it!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything.**

Unfaithful

_Preface_

_Life is hard. And it is definitely unfair. I think this, applying a touch of rouge to my cheekbones to perfect my makeup. With a sigh I put on my dark tight denims and a silver sparkling silk top. I slip into my grey ankle boots with the very high heels and grasp my purse. Red strands of hair fall into my eyes and I blow them away impatiently. My hair is too long, I think for it seems the millionth time. But although I want to I can't bring myself to cut it. I look at my red, curly hair that reaches almost my behind. __It reminds me of better days, days in which I used to be happy. Days that now belong to the past. I sigh and force myself not to think about it._

_My wrist hurts still, and I look at it. It's red and a bit swollen, so I apply a few silver bracelets to hide it. If he'd see the sore he'd only get worried and would blame himself, again. As if it wasn't my fault only. I sigh and shake my head, thinking about him. __I will be seeing him in less than an hour._

_The door opens a crack and a mop of blonde hair emerges from behind._

"_You look lovely, Mommy."_

"_Thanks honey." I kneel down in front of her to look into her wonderful eyes._

"_Won't you bring me to bed tonight?" she asks me and my eyes water._

"_I'm sorry, hon', not today." She nods and I kiss her cheek. "But tomorrow, I promise." She smiles a little and I feel my heart break. I'm a horrible person, I know it, but I'm not able to change._

"_I love you, sweetheart." I say whilst I brush strands of blond hair away from her forehead. She holds my face in her tiny little hands and kisses my nose._

"_Love you, Mommy." She whispers and with a short wave she closes the door behind her._

_I stand up, look at myself in the mirror and feel nothing but disgust. I can't look into my eyes without seeing everything I've done wrong in my life. I betrayed, I lied, and I did things against my better judgements. Everything I wanted is out of my reach now. My world fell apart long ago. There is nothing I can do about that, not now. It's too late._

"_You going out, darling?" he peeks inside the room and I nod curtly. He enters the room and folds his arms in front of his chest._

"_Just with the girls. I haven't seen them for a while." I clarify. I don't know if he believes it or not. And honestly, I don't care either._

"_Have fun." He says, whilst I kiss his cheek._

_Yes, it's too late to change. I'm that horrible person I never wanted to be and I do things I thought I would never be able to do. His eyes follow me when I leave to go to do just these things yet again._


	2. Birthday surprises

"Happy birthday!"

They all cheered and laughed when Lily Evans entered the common room on this rainy and cold January 30th. After a shocked expression, which indicated her total unawareness of the birthday surprise, she forced a smile onto her lips and looked at her friends with what she hoped was gratefulness and enjoyment.

"Oh my… you shouldn't have…" she pronounced her false excitement and hugged the nearest person in her reach, which happened to be Sirius Black himself.

"Oh, but we did!" he replied in his cocky, smug way and added a wink to the sentence. Lily smiled politely at him, now aware of whom she had just embraced, and backed away a bit.

"Happy birthday Lils." She heard someone say behind her and when she turned she was greeted by a great amount of fawn curls which happened to belong to her best friend.

"Thanks, Katie." Lily smiled and was hugged by the petite girl tightly. "I'm sorry I didn't warn you, but Ashley made me swear." Katie whispered into her ear apologetically and referred to their other friend, standing amidst the crowd of students.

Lily nodded understandingly and, after Katie had let go of her, opened her arms for the aforementioned girl. Ashley didn't need to be told twice and swept gracefully into Lily's awaiting arms.

"Congratulations birthday girl." Ashley smiled widely. "Did the surprise turn out well?"

"I'm absolutely stunned." Lily replied, taking in her surroundings.

"Wait 'till you get your presents!" Ashley seemed very pleased with herself for the successful accomplishment. She threw an arm around Lily's shoulder and dragged her with her, Katie right behind them.

Music started playing and the first few students were brave enough to begin with the dancing. Happy chatter engulfed the room in a relaxed atmosphere. They wound their way through friends and fellow Gryffindors until they came to stand by the tables, where the drinks were served. Frank Longbottom, Head boy and chaser at the Gryffindor Quidditch team, handed them each a bottle of butterbeer.

"Hey Lily, happy birthday." He said cheerfully, smiling at her amicably.

"Thanks, Frank." She replied, slowly enjoying her party a bit. She took a gulp of her butterbeer and liked the warm feeling that spread through her body almost instantly.

"Oh, look who's there." Katie prodded Lily's waist lightly and indicated with her forefinger to her right.

"Ashley, what do you think about a dance." Cried Katie over the music and jerked with her head to the right at the same time. Ashley understood immediately and with a slight grin they left Lily standing alone, her bottle of butterbeer clutched tightly to her chest.

Lily glared uselessly at their backs as they retreated.

"Hey Lily!" James Potter waved from the middle of the crowd, approaching her. Lily waved back hesitantly, ran her hand through her red locks, twirled a strand around her finger and looked from left to right. With a sigh she brushed non existent dirt from her blouse and looked up again to meet hazel brown eyes.

He stood in front of her, several inches taller than herself, looking down at her and ruffled his jet black messy hair, so that it stuck even more out into every direction. He adjusted his round glasses and exhaled audibly.

"Happy birthday, Lily." He said quietly, his former arrogance and cockiness nothing but forgotten long ago.

She smiled a little shy smile at him and nodded her head.

"Thanks James." She said sincerely. An awkward silence engulfed them both, in which they smiled at each other now and then, not knowing what to say.

They both had a very shaky relationship, if you want to call it that way, and they never felt really comfortable around each other, mostly because of James' many attempts to get a date with her in the last few years. She had always rejected him, disliking his way to live and his behaviour. Now that she was in her seventh and last year, she had changed. Her life had turned upside down and such things like cockiness or pranks didn't infuriate her anymore. But also James had changed over the summer. He had lost his arrogance, didn't pick on Slytherin's without a reason anymore and was more mature. They had met somewhere in the middle, both had changed but in a way had stayed the same.

"So, do you like the party?" he asked her, rubbing his neck with his right hand uncomfortably. She shrugged a bit and took a gulp from her butterbeer.

"I didn't suspected it." Was her evasive answer and he looked at her, one eyebrow lifted.

"That sounds like you're in no celebration mood." He stated, folding his arms in front of his chest.

"Yeah…" she sighed. "It has been a long day." She rolled her eyes and took another gulp of the butterbeer, finishing it. She put the empty bottle aside and watched the students for a while.

"So, eighteen…" James said eventually, ruffling his hair yet again. Strange, how she used to hate that action only months before. Now she adored it. Her eyes followed his fingers, messing his black locks, which fell elegantly back to there former place and into his eyes. It was endearing.

"Yes." She replied breathlessly. "Eighteen."

"You're older than me." He stated suddenly, smiling at her as if he had realized it just now. In reality he had acknowledged that fact just the previous year, where he had told her it would be illegal if she'd sleep with him, but he wouldn't mind the risk. She had slapped him thereon, but it hadn't helped the stupid grin which had tugged at his lips.

Now she could only shake her head over her stupid demeanour. She had always thought James' behaviour as immature, whilst in reality she herself had been the immature one.

"Yes, I am indeed." She replied, smiling at him gently.

Silence yet again. The music changed into a slower rhythm and James glanced at her out of the corner of his eyes.

"I know I'm pushing my luck now, but… would you dance with me." He asked her tentatively. She rubbed her upper arm hesitatingly. Did she want to dance with him? The answer was a definite yes, but nonetheless she felt unsure. Was it appropriate to dance with him under these circumstances? Was it right to lead him on?

She looked into his eyes and without thinking she nodded. What mattered just one dance? The relieved smile that followed to her nod was worth it. They went to the dance floor together, although it wasn't really a dance floor. It was just the middle of the common room, but it was definitely good enough. He offered her his hand and she took it tentatively. He placed his left hand on the small of her back and moved her gently a bit closer to him. He looked down at her; something unreadable glittered in his eyes. She smiled up at him shyly and slowly they began to move to the music. They danced in silence, but this silence differed from the one before. They were in perfect harmony with each other now. He twirled her around slowly, so that her back was now pressed to his chest, his arms around her.

"Lily" he whispered into her ear, his warm breath making her shiver. "I wanted to ask you something." He twirled her yet again so that they could look into each others eyes.

"I… I wanted to ask… if you'd go out with me." For a moment he broke eye contact but then he looked back into her eyes. "I know we didn't always get along very well, but I think we both changed and matured and…" he broke off, then, waiting for her answer.

She opened and closed her mouth a few times, not knowing what to say. She wanted to accept, to go out with him. She knew she would enjoy the date, she knew she could like him really, even perhaps love him someday. She looked at her feet when she shook her head slowly. They broke apart, she felt his gaze upon her.

"Why not?" he whispered, his voice broken.

"I want to, you have to believe me, but…" she looked up, saw his hurt expression, and averted her gaze down again.

"Then why…"

"Well... it's just…" she hunched her shoulders, at a loss of words. She wanted to flee into her room; she wanted to forget; she wanted him to know, to know everything. She looked at the boy in front of her and suddenly everything felt so surreal. Her life was pointless, she realized as she watched him, looked into his hurt eyes. What was she doing here, when her life was already over? The letter she had received just an hour ago, felt like lead in her pocket and she balled her hands into fists. She felt a sudden pain in her chest, was it her heart, breaking into thousand pieces? Her eyes stung and she realized abruptly she was about to cry. No, not in front of him, she thought, but she couldn't help it. Her eyes began to water.

"I… I'm sorry, I have…" she couldn't finish the sentence, because first tears cleaved a way down her cheeks. With a soft sob she turned, not meeting his eyes and fled to the girls' dorm.

With a loud bang the door closed behind her and she leaned against it, closing her eyes, while more tears escaped down her cheeks.

Full of fury she hit the door with her fist, her whole body shivering as she dropped to the floor.

Why her? Why had she to do this? Why had her life to be over?


	3. To see her

**Here's the new chapter! Please please review!! I know you read the story, so please tell me what you think about it! I'd be happy with every kind of review!**

_To see her_

"I… I'm sorry, I have…" Lily didn't finish the sentence and a shocked James observed tears spilling out of her eyes. Why was she crying? He didn't know what he was supposed to do, to say. Just minutes ago they had been dancing together and now she was crying in front of him. To see her like this broke his heart.

Clumsily he stretched his arm out, in a feeble attempt to comfort her, but without looking at him, she turned with a soft sob and left.

"Lily wait." He called after her, too late, too low for her to hear. Long red strands of hair vanished behind a crowd of happily dancing students.

"What did you do, you dumb ass?" he felt a sudden pain on his right shoulder and his hand shot to the sore. He looked to his right only to be greeted by a fuming Katie.

"Nothing" James shot back, rubbing his sore shoulder. "I did… nothing." He looked back up to the girl's dorm with a frustrated sigh. Why had life to be so complicated? Why couldn't he just get the girl?

"So it's _nothing_ that made Lily cry and leave her own birthday party?" Katie asked sceptically, flicking her fawn hair over her shoulder and folding her arms in front of her chest. She was frowning heavily, the corners of her mouth pulled down.

"I don't know… she just… started to cry…" James tried to explain, ruffling his hair, not knowing what to do.

Katie snorted angrily, her eyebrows knitted together seemingly permanent.

"Look, I don't know why she began to cry but I can go up there and try to find out-"

"No you don't!" Katie shouted, holding her right arm up to stop him from going. "You've already done enough, thank you very much." She gave him one last glare and mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like "Men, and you can't shoot them dead either" she followed the long disappeared Lily up to their room.

James looked after her, standing forlornly in the middle of the common room, all sorts of students dancing around him. Slowly he returned to the desk with the drinks and was greeted by a smiling Frank.

"Hey man, how are things?" he asked, handing him a butterbeer. James only nodded once in his direction, Franks question not even reaching his ears.

What had he done wrong? Why didn't she want to go out with him? Why was everything so messed up?"

"Hey bro', how'd it go?" An arm slung around his shoulders, pulling him alongside back in the middle of the crowd. James noticed the bottle of fire whiskey in the hand around his shoulder and shook his head slowly.

"Do you have a date or do you have a date?" asked Sirius, cheering into his direction with his bottle and taking a gulp.

"You know" he went on without letting James answer the question. "I always knew you both would hit it off eventually and become a couple." He looked at James pointedly and came closer to his face. "I always knew it." He emphasized every word and clapped James on the back.

"What's up guys?" They had reached their fellow Marauders, Remus Lupin and Peter Pettigrew, both sat a bit aside from the partying student body, in front of a crackling fire.

"Our dear Prongs, here," again James was slapped on the back by Sirius, so hard in fact, that James stumbled and fell into the nearest armchair head first, "has finally had the guts to ask the one and only Lily Evans out." Sirius pronounced proudly, like a mother would talk about her child's first steps, while James struggled to change his position on the armchair.

"But… didn't he ask her out millions of times the last years?" Peter asked confused, looking from one of his friends to the other.

"Good point, dear Wormtail. But that's long ago. He didn't ask her out for this whole school year, and we're in January. And we all know that the dear Head girl is quite enamoured with him by now, thanks to his Marauder style and charms."

"What exactly is a Marauder style?" Remus asked, looking up from his book he had proceeded to read whilst Sirius' little monologue. While Sirius tried to explain them the advantages of a perfectly sophisticated Marauder style James' thoughts drifted back to Lily.

He really had thought she would say yes to him at least. After years of chasing her and making himself to a blithering idiot, he had changed tactic. This included a change in his maturity, a change in his behaviour around her and a very awkward talk with his mother in the beginning of the summer holidays.

"_Finally." James shouted, tossing his trunk into a corner without another glance and running up the steps to his room. His mother watched him with amusement and with a shake of her head she went into the kitchen._

_James was about to scatter his whole amount of Quidditch supply on his bed when a knock on the door interrupted his actions. He looked over his shoulder when his mother opened the door._

"_Can I come in?" she asked, entering without awaiting his answer. He rolled his eyes at her and turned back to his bed._

"_You already came in, mum." He said good-naturedly and she smiled at her son affectionately._

"_I have some sandwiches for you." She said, setting the plate down on his desk._

"_Thanks." He replied absent minded, looking around for the Snitch which had escaped his reach and now fluttered through his room._

_Anne Potter observed her son for a few more moments, then she turned and went to the door. Her hand already resting on the doorknob, she paused, thinking._

"_Who was that girl?" she asked finally, turning to see her son on his bed, tiptoeing, his arm outstretched to reach the Snitch which was in midair, not quite touching the ceiling._

_His head snapped to her face and immediately his eyes filled with something she had never seen in James' eyes before. Love. Not the love a child has for his parents. Not the love a boy has for his friends. But love, real love for a girl. Her seventeen year old boy was deeply in love, from head to toe._

_James shook his head and looked back up the ceiling, the Snitch had long disappeared, but he didn't look back to his mother._

"_What girl?" he asked, trying to sound nonchalantly. Anne smiled at him knowingly, nodding her head slowly, as if to show she had understood._

_James glanced at her briefly, ruffling his hair and then looking at his feet, observing the hole on his right sock, just above his big toe._

_He remained silent for a long while and Anne was about to say something when he opened his mouth to let out a low sigh._

"_Her name is Lily." He said in not more than a whisper and not looking up from his feet. She smiled at him, although he couldn't see her smile, and waited._

"_She is… well she is…" he hunched his shoulders briefly, shaking his head. "I can't describe her. Every description wouldn't be good enough to show what type of girl she is. You have to know her by yourself to see what an extraordinary, wonderful and… and…" he glanced up again, to see his mother's encouraging smile, and finished his sentence, looking back down at his feet, his head quite crimson. "…and absolutely beautiful girl she is." It was silent for a moment._

"_I think that's a quite good description of a person." Anne said eventually, crossing her arms in front of her chest, still smiling._

_Again, James hunched his shoulders, his head still down._

"_And… why did she jell at you back at the station?" his mother asked, adjusting her weight onto her right foot._

"_I said some stupid things…" he replied subdued._

"_And what stupid things did you say to her?"_

"_I said I'd be her second husband." Again, he blushed and his head sank even lower, his chin touching his chest. Anne laughed lightly but when James glared at her she coughed and tried to hide her smile._

"_Why did you say that to her?"_

"_Well, she wondered what I ever wanted to do with my life, so I told her." Again, Anne had to __suppress a smile._

"_And why the second husband? What happened to the first?"_

_A smile flickered over his lips. "That's what she asked too." He said, sighing and looking at his mother, who looked at him questioningly._

"_So, what happened to the first husband?" she wanted to know. James sighed again and ruffled his hair._

"_Nothing that can be proven." He answered sheepishly and after a second Anne burst out laughing._

"_You said what?" she asked in between laughter and James frowned at her._

"_I think that was a very original, charismatic answer, thank you very much." He replied offended, folding his arms in front of his chest stubbornly and sticking his tongue out at his mother. Very mature!_

"_Sorry, honey, but didn't you yourself tell me it was a stupid thing to say?" she asked, clearing her throat and approaching her son._

"_Well yes, but I thought my own mother would be a bit more… supporting."_

"_I'm sorry." She said again._

_Again, James only sighed and sat on his bed, his hands falling into his lap._

"_It's not just that… it's…it seems I _always_ choose the wrong things to say when I'm around her. I _always_ make a complete idiot out of myself and I really think she hates me." He rubbed his face with his hands, frustrated that Lily affected him so much._

"_You really like her, don't you?" Anne asked tentatively, sitting beside him and touching his shoulder lightly._

"_I… don't know… it's just… I have to think about her all the time, and I always _see_ her when she's around me. Not like I see Sirius or Remus or Peter or some random girl. I _see_ her, you know? The way she walks, the way she speaks, the way her red hair shines in the sun, the way she jells at me when I ask her out. I always _see_ her. But she won't see me." Suddenly James looked up, seemingly shocked as for what he had told his mother. But Anne only looked at him, understanding in her eyes._

"_What shall I do mum? She hates me." He sounded broken, defeated, and ready to give up._

"_I think you should show her the real James." She replied simply. He looked up at her, his eyebrows knitted together._

"_That's what I'm doing all the time." He replied, his stubbornness kicking in yet again._

"_No, you don't. I know how you and Sirius behave in school; you two think you rule Hogwarts. Oh don't give me that look, James, you know it's true. And if this girl is just a bit like you described her, she doesn't like such behaviour. And I don't think you would have chosen her if she would."_

_James was stunned after his mother's words. A few times he opened and closed his mouth, like a fish out of water, to say something, but nothing left his lips._

"_Just try to be more like when you're at home. Show her that there's more to you than just pranks." She patted his knee lovingly and stood up._

"_Supper is ready in ten minutes." She added before she left the room. James turned back a bit frustrated and looked around._

"_Where's that damn Snitc- ouch!" he cried when the 'damn Snitch' collided with his temple. _

"So did she say yes immediately or did you have to beg a bit?" Sirius asked, prodding James with his elbow, and bringing him therefore back to reality.

"Hm…?" he asked, disoriented, looking at his friends' awaiting faces.

"Tell as what you said and what Lily said and everything?" Sirius babbled excitedly. They all beamed at him, happy for their friend to finally get the girl he for so long had adored.

"No." James answered grieved, putting his head into his hands.

"_No_ as in you won't tell us what you said or _no_ as in you won't tell us what Lily said?" Sirius asked confused. Remus watched James intently, sensing the discomfort of his friend.

"What happened?" he asked tentatively.

"She won't go out with me." James replied sorrowfully, his hands dishevelling his already messy hair and stood up, ready to leave. "She never will. She doesn't see me." He added in an afterthought and with these words he left, leaving three confused friends behind.


	4. Happy Birthday, Lily

**Okay, a new chapter. Well, I hate to repeat myself, but please review. I didn't get one review for this story and I get a bit frustrated, because I don't know if you like it or not, if I should continue the story or not... so please give me some kind of review, whether it's good or bad! Please!!**

_Happy Birthday, Lily_

"Lily?"

"Lily? Are you alright?"

Like from afar, Lily heard a voice calling her. She opened her eyes, still lying on the cold stone floor of the girls' dorm. The tears had died down, but her cheek which was pressed to the floor ached. Her fingers were ice cold, her right hand was still clutching the letter she had read yet again only minutes before.

"Lily?"

The voice was louder now, and Lily realized she had to stand up before someone came in. She tried to move her arms, but no muscle wanted to even twitch.

"Lily, I'm coming in now."

The voice said even louder and a moment later a streak of light illuminated the dark floor Lily lay on.

"Oh my god, Lily!" Katie cried, kneeling down in front of her. Strands of curly hair covered Lily's brow whilst her friend observed her intently.

"C'mon, I'll help you up." She said after a moment, standing up and pulling Lily with her.

"What happened, Lily?" Katie asked when the both of them sat on Lily's bed, their feet crossed. Lily observed her fingers in her lap, not meeting her best friends' eyes. New tears threatened to leave her eyes and it took all her might to hold them back.

"Hey, what ever it is, you can tell me." Katie whispered, reaching out to touch Lily's knee in an attempt of comfort.

Lily shivered and hugged herself for more warmth. First tears glittered in the corner of her eyes.

"Has it something to do with Potter? Did he do something wrong?" Katie asked still in a whisper, her brow furrowed in concern.

Lily shook her head vehemently, her dark red locks grazing her face.

"N-no." she replied shakily. "He's been nice… as always."

"Then what is it Lily? Please tell me!" Katie pleaded, moving a bit closer to her friend.

Lily looked at her, torn, and thought back at the day her world had changed completely.

_Again she looked at the letter she had received just minutes ago. A letter she first had thought as nothing more than a stupid joke. Could it be real? Was it really possible? Her eyes travelled over the emerald green words jet again and excitement engulfed her whole little body. She was a witch! She really was. And she would be able to attend a school named Hogwarts. She would learn to perform magic, real magic._

_She looked up happily to meet her parents' anxious eyes. They looked at the letter in her hands sceptically, clearly not happy with the new situation._

"_Lily honey" her father began, crossing his arms in front of his chest, "what is that all about? You are _not_ a witch." He stated, his eyes hard, observing his daughter intently._

"_Yes I am." Lily replied, not quite understanding her parents' worries._

"_Darling, there are no things like witches." Her mother said, stroking Lily's hair gently._

"_And why did I get a letter saying just this?" Lily asked stubbornly, her tiny hands clutching the letter with all her might._

_Dora Evans glanced at her husband for a second before looking back to their daughter._

"_But who says this letter is real? It could be just a stupid joke!" Dora explained, wording Lily's previous thoughts accurately._

_Lily sighed and read the letter yet again._

"_I don't believe it's a joke! It _must_ be true." She said eventually._

"_Even if it is, you can't go Lily. And you know why!" her dad said, suddenly angry. Lily looked at him with sad eyes._

"_But daddy, I want to go! Please daddy, I'll do anything you want me to do!" Lily pleaded and saw her parents exchange brief glances._

Oh, how stupid she had been to promise something like that to her parents. How naïve she had been to believe her parents wouldn't take advantage of such a promise. But then again, she'd only been eleven and she had just received a letter telling her she was a witch. All she'd been thinking in that moment was a school full of magic and miracles. A new life she could live far away from obligations. And now she had to bear the consequences.

"It's nothing really." Lily reassured, looking at Katie with a feeble attempt to smile. "I'm just tired and stressed out."

Katie observed her friend intently, her ocean blue eyes gazing into Lily's emerald ones.

"I don't believe you." She said simply after a moment of silence, and then she smiled. "But you don't have to tell me if you don't want to." She tucked a strand of her curly hair behind her ear. "Just… just promise me something, okay?"

Lily looked at her warily, tilting her head to the right. "What?" she asked, her voice husky and not above a whisper.

"Find someone you can tell your problems. It doesn't have to be me, but confide into _someone_." Again, Katie smiled and touched Lily's knee lightly.

"Happy birthday Lils." She said, her voice sounding strangely sad.

After the door was closed behind her friend Lily stood up and reached for the crumpled letter, which still lay on the floor. Without making a sound she went to the window, letting her eyes roam over the landscape outside. It was getting dark; the last orange sunbeams tickled the tops of the highest trees surrounding the Black Lake, giving the white snow a red gleam. The first star could be seen, twinkling down from the not yet dark sky.

Lily's fingers smoothed out the wrinkled letter, feeling the raw texture of the paper. But so much rawer were the words written onto it. Lily closed her eyes, inhaling deeply. She leaned her forehead against the cold, hard glass of the window and exhaled. A lonely tear escaped her eyelashes dropping down to the floor with a silent thud. Her eyelids fluttered open again and her emerald green eyes skimmed the letter in her hands yet again, stopping now and then at a word or phrase. _Happy Birthday… good news… finally decided… 1__st__ October._ She stopped there, closing her eyes again, remembering.

_A soft knock on her door wakened her and she opened her eyes tiredly._

"_Lily, are you awake?" Her mother's voice asked from outside the door, knocking yet again._

"_Yes mum, come on in." Lily replied, her voice still husky from sleep. She sat up and ran her hand a few times through her messy hair, trying to smooth it at least a bit._

"_Good morning, honey." Her mother entered with a smile on her lips, something Lily hadn't seen for a while on both her parents._

_Lily smiled back tentatively. Her mother sat beside her on her bed, still smiling and caressing Lily's cheek._

"_I've got good news." She said, indicating with her forefinger to Lily's commode. Lily followed her mother's gaze and her eyes fell onto the letter she had received from Hogwarts just two days ago. Her emerald green eyes went wide and she looked back to her mother._

"_Does that mean…"_

_Her mother nodded her head in delight. "Yes honey, your dad gave permission."_

_For a moment silence engulfed the room and than Lily jumped up and hugged her mother tightly._

"_Oh my god, oh my god. I'm going to Hogwarts." She cried, jumping up and down in her joy._

"_Yes honey, you are." Dora kissed her daughter's head and smiled down at her._

_Tears glittered in Lily's eyes, tears of joy and excitement._

"_Oh mum, thanks. Thank you so much."_

_Dora stroked Lily's messy hair. "But remember your promise, honey." Lily looked up at her mother and her mother's eyes were intent._

Lily shook her head, when she thought back at that moment. Her hand balled into a fist, crumbling the letter yet again.

"_Remember what you promised us, especially your father."_

_Lily's smile faltered slowly, the moment of excitement fading, giving way for a moment of confusion._

"_What?" Lily asked, her brow wrinkling. Dora frowned at her little daughter, her hands falling down into her lap._

"_You promised you'd do anything to go to this school." It was almost an reproach, thrown at the little girl._

"_And… what does that mean?" Lily asked, still confused._

"_You know what it means, Lily." Her mother replied calmly and suddenly Lily knew what her mother was referring to. It had been stupid not to think about it earlier. There was only one thing her father wanted the most from her._

"_Arranged marriage" she said monotonously. _

"_Arranged marriage" her mother nodded her head in affirmation._

Lily's fist connected with the window glass, but it didn't splinter. Her breathing becoming quicker and shallower she fell to the floor for it seemed the millionth time. Her eyes were forming new tears, like she hadn't cried enough for one day. But she couldn't help it. She had always known the day would come, but deep inside her heart she'd hoped her parents wouldn't force her into a marriage she didn't want. A marriage without love. A marriage without happiness. But it seemed business was more important than the own daughter's bliss. How had she even been able to think her parents would change their opinion for Lily's welfare? She wasn't normally as naïve.

Sighing, she ran both her hands through her red locks, propping up her elbows on her knees and crying soundlessly.

_Happy birthday, Lily _she thought to herself. _Happy birthday._


	5. To feel sorry

**Finally a new chapter! I am so sorry it took me so long... life keeps getting in the way...**

**Thank you all so much for your reviews, they were amazing. And to answer a few questions: yes, I was inspired by Rihannas song "Unfaithful", I just love that song!! And there is nothing going on between Sirius and Lily. They're not even real friends. I'm sorry if this came out wrong. English isn't my first language and I make mistakes, so I'm really really sorry if my language skills confuse you. If this happens again just tell me and I'll find myself a Beta reader!! Okay, so here's the new chapter! Enjoy!!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own anything!**

To feel sorry

James entered the boy's common room with a sigh. Not bothering to close the door behind him he slumped down onto his bed, his face covered by his hands almost immediately, rubbing it furiously for a few times and then running his fingers through his black locks. His hands fell limply into his lap, then, while his eyes prickled dangerously.

This was it, then. It was over. It had all been in vain. For such a long time he had been in love with her, always hoping, always believing that some day, some wonderful glorious day, she would say yes to him. And with that thought in mind every "no" from her hadn't hurt so much, hadn't broken his heart completely. There had always been another day, another chance to win her. But this time it was different. It _felt_ different. The way she had talked to him, the way her eyes had filled with tears. This time it was definite. Never had it hurt so much.

What was he supposed to do now? Not chasing her? Not _love_ her? That wasn't possible. He wasn't able to switch his love on and off, he wasn't a light switch after all. But one thing he knew. He couldn't go on like he had for the last years. He wasn't strong enough. But he knew also, that he wasn't strong enough to stay away from her. Whenever he saw her, whenever he just thought about her, he had to be near her, to talk to her, to look at her, to get lost in her emerald green eyes. He imagined touching her, feeling her warm, soft skin under his fingers. He wanted to smell her intoxicating scent and most of all he wanted to kiss her. He wanted to feel her soft, warm lips on his, her hot breath mingled with his. What sensation it had to be to get to know her with all his senses. To see, feel, hear, smell, and taste her. A sensation, he concluded, he'd never experience. One time, though, he had been nearer than ever…

"_So, now it's my turn." Lily said, crossing her legs and turning slightly to have a better look at him. They sat on the floor in front of the crackling fire in the common room, James and Lily, together, it was a first. She had been patrolling alone that night, at the beginning of October, and she had run into James in one of the empty classrooms. They had ended up talking for the rest of the patrol, James accompanying the Head girl to the common room and neither of them had wanted to say good night to the other. So they stayed, talking openly, for the first time without awkwardness. They even laughed together and now they asked each other questions, to get to know the other._

"_Go on, then." James encouraged, smiling a warm smile at her. She put her forefinger to her chin, tapping it lightly and pressing her lips together tightly in concentration._

"_Okay, I've got one." She smiled triumphantly at him, her emerald eyes glinting. She folded her hands in her lap and looked at them while taking a deep breath._

"_You know, I noticed that you're very… different this year." She paused, looking up at him, almost challenging him to object. "And I wondered…why." She not more than whispered. She looked down again, not meeting his eyes. James looked at her intently for a moment, a small satisfied smile forming slowly on his lips. So she had noticed his changed behaviour._

"_There are more reasons." He explained, rubbing his flat hands up and down his thighs. Lily watched him intently, beckoning him to go in without a word._

"_For one, the obvious reason." He stopped again, looking at her pointedly. She waited for a few seconds, looking back at him demonstratively, and waiting for him to continue._

"_Which obvious reason?" she asked eventually, when it seemed he wouldn't explain any further._

"_Well, you… of course." He replied, his cheeks turning slightly pink._

_She jerked her head upwards, her eyebrows knitted together in obvious confusion._

"_What do I have to do with it?" she asked, her voice sounding almost bitter._

"_You've everything to do with it." James laughed lightly at her dumbfounded expression. "Honestly, Lily, you have to know how much I like you and how much you mean to me. With my stupid behaviour I wanted you to notice me. I couldn't think of a better way to do it." James looked down at his hands, which now lay limply in his lap._

"_James, why would you change just for a small infatuation?" she whispered after a few minutes of silence. He couldn't look up to watch her face. He wasn't strong enough. Too much pain inflicted the words she uttered. It wasn't her fault. She didn't know he loved her. She thought it was merely a small infatuation…_

"_Actually…" he began, running his right hand through his messy hair in one swift movement, "it's much more than that." She didn't say anything and he rubbed his face, frustrated._

"You_ are so much more than that to me Lily. I didn't choose to fall in love with you, you know. But you didn't give me a choice. You've always been so nice and caring and beautiful and… some day I thought you might like me too, and I began to act differently towards you. I played pranks on people and made stupid jokes. I just hoped you'd notice me, and yes you noticed me. But you hated me for it, for being mean and insensitive. I couldn't stop it, though." He whispered, looking Lily directly into her eyes now, his eyes burning. "Because then you wouldn't have talked to me at all." James averted his gaze down again and fell silent. They both said nothing for a long moment. The only sound came from the crackling fire beside them._

_James was about to say something when Lily slid her delicate hand over his'. He looked up at her surprised. Her face was illuminated by the red fire, her eyes gleaming warmly at him. "I never hated you." She whispered with a soft smile gracing her lips. And with this words he fell in love with her all over again. He looked at her and saw the most amazing girl sitting in front of him. She was beautiful, smart, witty and importantly, she had never hated him._

_Maybe he was caught in the moment. Maybe it was the crackling fire, or the words she had said. Maybe it was the euphoria or just her beautiful face, but suddenly he inched nearer to her, until he sat right in front of her. He took her hand, which still lay on top of his own, and touched each of her delicate fingertips to his mouth. When he looked up to meet her gaze he saw something in her eyes he'd never seen before. Had she changed her mind about him? Or was it just pity? He didn't know it, but he had to find out. He came even closer to her, his face now not more than a few centimetres away from her. The tips of their noses touched and he could feel her hot breath on his skin. It felt incredible to be near her, to feel her presence, her warmth. He inhaled deeply, closing his eyes to relish the moment with her. When he opened his eyes again he couldn't resist any more. Slowly he leaned in until their lips were not more than a millimetre apart._

"_James." Lily whispered into the silence, their lips brushing when she spoke his name. James' inside exploded by the nearness, by the touch of her lips. He wanted nothing more than to just kiss her forever. But something was holding him back._

"_Lily." he whispered back, their lips, again, brushing. His arm wound around her waist, bringing her closer to him, but never close enough. Their raised breaths mingled together and he was about to touch his lips to hers when she suddenly gasped and inched backwards, away from him._

"_I'm... I'm sorry James..." she shook her head a few times, her red locks gracing her face, still she was backing away from him. "I... just can't." her voice was hoarse and stifled by unshed tears. He just stared at her, not comprehending the words she was saying. She couldn't? What was that supposed to mean?_

"_Lily what-" he began to ask, but she interrupted him._

"_You wouldn't understand." she whispered, first tears spilling out of her emerald green eyes._

"_But-" he began again, but she was already on her feet, running away... from him._

It had hurt so much. But not as much as today. Because that day, at the beginning of October it hadn't felt so much like a rejection. They had been about to kiss. He had seen it in her eyes. She had wanted it, but something had held her back.

Now he wasn't so sure any more.

A silent tear escaped his eyes, slowly sliding down his cheek. Maybe she had only felt sorry for him all along.


	6. Afraid

**Hello everybody!! Thank you so much for your reviews, for favoriting the story and for reading it! :) Here is a new chapter, it's a bit short but I hope you still like it! Enjoy and please review!**

It snowed. It had snowed for hours now, covering the grounds of Hogwarts with a thick white blanket. And it was still snowing. Her eyes followed the thousands of little snowflakes, not one the same as the other, falling down from the grey sky.

Lily sat in the Gryffindor common room, next to the window with a parchment on her lap. She wasn't writing though. She was watching the snow, the silent, tranquilizing snow.

It was quiet in the common room. She was alone. And she felt alone as well, totally und utterly alone.

Looking down at the parchment she sighed.

_Dear mum and dad_ it read, but nothing more. For a month now had she tried to answer that letter she had received at her birthday. But to no avail. She didn't know what to write. What should the answer to something like that be anyway?

_Thank you very much for planning my life and making all my decisions... I'm glad you've finally settled the date for my wedding... Would it be possible for me to just maybe meet my future husband once before our actual wedding... Did you just once think about me, just once..._

Lily crumpled the parchment and let it fall to the floor. There was nothing to say, nothing to write. And if it were possible nothing to think either. But it wasn't. The planned marriage followed her everywhere. It was always in her mind, when she woke up in the morning, throughout classes, when she went to sleep, even in her dreams. It was everywhere. She couldn't escape it. Nowhere.

"You look sad." Lily jumped in fright and closed her eyes for a moment, collecting her screaming thoughts. She had not expected anyone to be here, anyone to watch her. Had she acted out of the ordinary, suspicious? She felt like an open book, in which everyone was able to read effortless. Reminding herself to be more careful she opened her eyes to the intruder of her thoughts. It wasn't someone she had been expecting. He, like the rest of his friends, had avoided her like the plague for the last three weeks. And she had been grateful for that, not knowing how to act and behave around them. Being near one of them now, felt awkward and embarrassing.

"Yeah..." she murmured self-conscious, rubbing her upper arm with her right hand. It wasn't just the fact that she hadn't spoken to one of them for such a long time now. Speaking to them had always felt a bit odd, out of the ordinary. It felt more embarrassing and awkward because of him, his best friend, his loyal, I-would-jump-off-the-Astronomy-tower-if-he'd-ask best friend.

"I don't get it." Sirius pondered, watching out of the window almost a bit melancholic. Lily just watched him, her eyes wide open in wonder, still puzzled he was actually speaking to her.

He looked at her, their eyes meeting briefly. He smiled a little, a smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"You're sad," He stated slowly, quietly, ruffling his hair, "and James is sad, too." Lily turned away, not liking where his words were leading to, but relieved that finally someone was speaking about it nonetheless. She said nothing, waiting until his eyes moved away from studying her face, scrutinizing her blank expression, to watch, again, the snow outside.

"I don't get it." He said again, shaking his head in confusion.

"You're not supposed to." She replied quietly, not meeting his eyes when he looked at her in surprise.

"Well, but _you_ are." He said, suddenly angry. "You are supposed to know what the hell is going on. And you are supposed to make things right, because, damnit, James deserves more than just lame excuses and feeble apologizes. He deserves more."

She said nothing, for awhile. Knowing he was right, but not knowing what to answer. Her emotions swirled, they felt stupid and awkward if spoken aloud, but true and honest in her inside. She had never felt that huge amount of feelings before; feelings that flooded her, making it impossible for her to think clearly. She decided to stick with the truth, at least as much as she could.

"You're right." She agreed, tucking a strand of hair behind her left ear and surprising him jet again with her answer.

"What?" he asked, quieter than before, sounding almost unsure.

"You're right. He deserves more." She paused, thinking her words over before giving them to him. "Something that I can't give him."

He was silent, staring at her, his eyes boring into hers.

"That's stupid." He finally said, quiet but determined. "And you know that. You're just afraid." He turned, slowly walking away, leaving her to her thoughts.

At the end he was right. She was afraid. But she had more reasons to be afraid of, than he knew. It was easier that way, though. It was easier to pretend she was just afraid of her feelings for James, or any other boy for that matter. And it was true, to some extent, wasn't it? She was afraid of her feelings. Or why hadn't she even kissed a boy before? She could have been with someone in her time at Hogwarts, and it wasn't as if nobody had been interested in her. She had just liked to think that it would be easier that way. That she wouldn't have to hurt anyone. But in the end she had hurt James, hadn't she? She had hurt him, but wouldn't he be more hurt if they'd be together and then she would have to end things, out of the blue, crashing any chance of a future with her he might have thought about? Yes, if she thought things through, she had done the right thing. By hurting him, she saved him and herself from a deeper, more consuming, heartbreaking pain.

______________

"What did he say to you?"

It was evening and Lily had been on her way for dinner when someone had caught her arm and had pulled her into an empty classroom. She was facing an almost outraged James Potter now, his eyes burning and his hand still holding onto her left wrist.

"Who?" she asked stupidly, but having quite a good idea of whom he was speaking about.

"Sirius." He hissed angrily, but his anger, she noticed, was not directed at her. "I know he went to talk to you, and I want to know what he said; now."

Lily shook her head, trying to free herself from his hold on her arm. She didn't look at him, hadn't met his eyes once during their little conversation.

"Lily," his voice was softer now, but had still an edge to it, "if he made you uncomfortable in any way, if he said something inappropriate I-"

"He didn't!" she interrupted him firmly, but still not looking up at him. Why did he care so much? Why did he always have to be so nice?

"I told him it is none of his business, but he kept talking and asking about it. So don't tell me it was nothing when it certainly meant something."

"It didn't." She said, again firmly.

"Why are you not able to look at me, then?" he whispered, jerking at her arm softly, just to emphasise his words.

She twirled a lock of her hair around her right forefinger nervously but then she glared up at him stubbornly, staring into his eyes just to prove her point. A small smile tugged at his lips as he watched her, but was immediately replaced by another frown.

"What is going on, Lily?" he asked quietly, almost nervously, his fingers trailing down her hand caressing it softly.

The touch combined with his caring words sent an electric jolt through her body, burning her insides with an intend feeling she had never felt before. It felt wonderful. She loved that warmth which consumed her every time he touched her. She loved those feelings she had whenever she saw him. She loved that he cared so much, that he knew something was wrong with her. She just loved-

With a jolt she backed away from him, breaking his hold on her hand as an effect. She looked at him incredulously. It wasn't possible... she wasn't... she had never... Shaking her head in denial she turned without looking at him again.

"It's nothing." She murmured, almost inaudibly and then she ran.

No no no... She was not falling for him. She was not already so enamoured with him that she couldn't stay away, that she cared. Because that would be awful, scary and totally unnecessary.

And those were the reasons why she was definitely not in love with James Potter.


End file.
